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Share your jokes and riddles here....

Discussion in 'Literature' started by Oluomoadebayo, Oct 27, 2016.

  1. Oluomoadebayo

    Oluomoadebayo Moderator Staff Member

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    A lot of tension and insecurities are in town, work hectic and stress is taking a toll on our lives, life is too short to keep the mind busy all the time.

    Do you want to make someone happy today? Share something nice and funny on this thread.
     
  2. Oluomoadebayo

    Oluomoadebayo Moderator Staff Member

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    BREAKING NEWS!!!

    President Buhari was recently in New York city for the annual general U.N conference.
    As he was being driven to his hotel in the evening, they passed through a street with a building with no lighting and in total darkness. President Buhari then pointed the building to his driver and commented that the Americans always complain about the lack of constant electricity in my country, Nigeria, and now look at that building with no light. The driver then responded politely by saying, "Your excellency, that's the Nigerian Embassy Sir".
     
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  3. Gertn

    Gertn Active Member

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    Domestic punishment

    I offended my wife and she insisted a million sorries were not enough. I didn't know what to do, so I asked her to choose a punishment she considered satisfactory.

    She said I should do all chores for one week. I quickly agreed. That was the worst punishment I served in living memory.

    If you think you have patience, wait till your wife leaves you with two kids and goes to gist with a neighbor for hours. One hour seemed like 1 year. Yelling and commanding fell on deaf ears; it was as if the kids conspired with their mother to raise their disturbance to power 2.
    I couldn't even take my calls; Facebook update was no-go area; the crying was loud and persistent.

    What of the poopooing and peeing? And for someone easily disgusted, I was sooo beaten and alarmed.

    The house cleaning, dish-washing were something else. I learnt that one child can use 3 dresses/wears per day.

    Preparing their meals was like Kachikwu and fuel. Preparing ordinary pap was like Buhari and 2016 budget. I wasted a couple of dishfuls before I came close to getting it right. Then, the feeding proper was like Fashola and electricity. For every spoon each of them took, we had to run around for several minutes. I was furious but they were laughing and playful.

    By the second day, I was completely humbled and asked for amnesty. Processing the application was like Nigerian police doing crime investigation. Approving the application was like Nigerian military defeating Boko Haram in Sambisa forest.

    In the end, to win a temporary amnesty, it took APC tactics on Nigerians; I made so many promises without thinking of how to fulfill any. I just wanted to get off the punishment.

    Mothers are something out of this world. They're so special that it is only them that can be called Mothers.

    Thumbs up for all Mothers in the house here, especially @Pejuamadi and the world over. You are all just too Great,fantastic and wonderful!!!!
     
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  4. Jasny

    Jasny Member

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    My uncle always picks fight with me like he doesn't know how evil I can be. I'm going to steal his phone and save my 2 other numbers as "Kim sweet sex"and"Bella big ass" Then repeatedly call him and hang up at 3am..His wife will do the fighting for me...Me I don't fight with my elders
    #HNM TO Y'ALL
     
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  5. Oluomoadebayo

    Oluomoadebayo Moderator Staff Member

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    A woman went shopping, At cash counter she opened her purse to pay. The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse. He could not control his curiosity & asked,
    "Do u always carry ur TV remote with u?"
    She replied " No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me for shopping today because of football, so I took the remote.

    *Moral :Accompany and support ur wife in her hobbies.....*

    The story continues....The shopkeeper laughs and then returns back all the items that lady had purchased. Shocked at this act, she asks the shopkeeper what he is doing. He said "your husband has blocked your credit card.........."

    *MORAL : Always Respect the hobbies of your husband.*

    Story continues....Wife took out her husbands credit card from purse and swiped. Unfortunately he didn't block his own card.

    *Moral: Don't underestimate the power and wisdom of a WIFE..*

    Still continues...After swiping, the machine indicated 'ENTER PIN SENT TO YOUR MOBILE PHONE'.......

    *Moral: When Man tends to lose, the machine is smart enough to save him!*

    Still continues....When she turned back with depression, her mobile rang showing forwarded SMS from her husband "your PIN is......"
    Finally she bought her items & returned home happily.

    *Moral: not all men are bad. Good men always put their families first at all times.....
     
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  6. O.tayo

    O.tayo Active Member

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    Haaaaaaaaa
     
  7. Oluomoadebayo

    Oluomoadebayo Moderator Staff Member

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    Please respond with something meaningful and refrain from using a word count response. The "like" function is meant for that.
     
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  8. Gertn

    Gertn Active Member

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    Marriage Blues. ......

    When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
    ~By Lee Majors

    After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
    ~By Al Gore

    By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
    ~By Socrates

    Woman inspires us to great things and prevents us from achieving them.
    ~By Mike Tyson

    The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
    ~By George Clooney

    I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
    ~By Bill Clinton

    "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays."
    ~By George W. Bush

    "I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
    ~By Rudy Giuliani

    "There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
    ~By Michael Jordan

    "I've had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.” The third gave me more children!
    ~By Donald Trump

    Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
    1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
    2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
    ~By Shaquille O’Neal

    The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
    ~By Kobe Bryant

    You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
    By David Hasselhoff

    My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
    ~By Alec Baldwin

    A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
    ~By Milton Berle

    Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
    ~ByTommy Lee

    A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters.
    They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
    ~By Brad Pitt

    First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
    Second Guy : "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
    ~ By Jimmy Kimmel

    “Honey, what happened to ‘ladies first’?” Husband replies, “That’s the reason why the world’s a mess today, because a lady went first!”
    ~By David Letterman

    “First there’s the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then the wedding ring...soon after....comes Suffer..ring!
    ~By Jay Leno

    "The reason why wives live longer is beacause they don't have a Wife"
    ~by Brandon Breezy
     
  9. Oluomoadebayo

    Oluomoadebayo Moderator Staff Member

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    I no fit laff abeg.

    Queen Elizabeth,Obama & Buhari went to Hell fire. Queen Elizabeth asked the devil to allow her make some calls to England to inquire about the Country's welfare, so she spent five minutes. Satan billed her 5million dollars. Obama also made a call to U.S.A and spent 8 minutes, the bill was 8million dollars. Then Buhari called Nigeria and spent 2 hours, how much is my bill? He asked Satan, One dollar,Satan replied. Surprised!! Buhari said but I stayed longer than them all,"Satan smiled and said" calling hell from hell is not expensive,it is a local call
     
  10. Gertn

    Gertn Active Member

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    A Birthday Party
    With a gathering of
    About 30 people.

    I sat in the front seat.

    A Lady started distributing food.

    She started from
    The back and unfortunately,
    It didn't get to us who were sitting at the front.

    Another Lady started
    Sharing the Drinks,
    She started from
    The front.
    But unfortunately
    I had
    Already moved
    To sit At The Back.

    Again
    The drink
    Didn't get to me.

    I was
    So furious that
    I stood up
    To take my leave.

    But then
    I saw
    Three ladies
    Each with A Big Bowl.

    This time,
    I tried to Be Smart.
    I Sat Right
    At the Middle.

    One of the Ladies
    Started the sharing
    From the Front,
    The Second Lady
    Started
    Distributing from
    The back.

    The Two Ladies were
    Sharing Roasted Chicken.

    When
    They got
    To the middle,
    Where I was seated,
    It got finished again!

    Feeling So frustrated,
    I Bent My Head,
    Putting My Face
    In My Hands...

    But Then
    The Third Lady
    Tapped me
    And
    Stretched Her Bowl
    For Me To Pick.

    Joyfully I Stretched
    And
    Put My Hands
    Inside The Bowl...

    Guess
    What was
    In the Bowl ?

    *TOOTHPICKS !!!!*

    *Moral*:

    *DO NOT TRY*
    *To Position*
    *Yourself in Life,*

    *Allow GOD*
    *To Put You*
    *In The Right Place*

    *Otherwise*
    *You will*
    *Wrongfully position*
    *Yourself*
    *For*
    *Toothpicks Only !!*
     
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  11. Oluomoadebayo

    Oluomoadebayo Moderator Staff Member

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    HUSBAND AND WIFE

    *WIFE*: I'm already 50 and one of your friends still finds me very attractive.

    *HUSBAND*: It must be Felix, that Ibo boy abi?

    *WIFE*: Yes, how did you know?

    *HUSBAND*: Easy, he deals in Scraps and fairly used vehicles.

    *Then the fight aggravated*
     
  12. Sleek

    Sleek New Member

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    My dad called me when he heard there was a riot
    in my school..
    .
    .
    Dad: Hello son, where are you?
    Me: My hostel.
    Dad: Good, I heard there is riot. Don't go out,
    don't follow them, you know your family
    background, stay in your room. You hear me?
    Me: Okay Dad.

    (Calls back in five minutes)
    .Dad: My son, what caused the riot?
    Me: They increased our school fees from
    N30,000 to N300,000. Because our vice
    Chancellor said we are in the time of CHANGE
    Dad: Where are you now?
    Me: In my room.
    Dad: Ehhnn! Are you mad? Join them!
    Me: But dad....
    Dad: Shut up and join them, carry matchet!! Carry
    anything...!!! Kill people!!!
     
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  13. Oluomoadebayo

    Oluomoadebayo Moderator Staff Member

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    #copied

    Mallam Usman lost his cheque booklet and went to bank after 2 days to report.

    Bank manager: But I warned u to be careful with your chequebook mallam, cos anyone can forge your signature.

    Mallam: I am not a fool. I have already signed all the cheques, so they won't have space to forge my signature..

    Bank Manager fainted. . Remember put a smile on someone's face even without alert.
     
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  14. Gertn

    Gertn Active Member

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    KUDOS TO NAFDAC AND W. H. O FOR THE SAFE SEX CREAM.

    NAFDAC has introduced a protection cream in place of condoms. It is safe, affordable and comfortable. More over, there will be no need to use condom again. The advantage of using this cream is that you can now enjoy SEX flesh to flesh without the fear of contracting HIV/AIDS.

    Wow! At last we can now enjoy ourselves skin to skin. Go to any pharmacy close to you and request for #ABONIKI BALM........ As I said earlier, it is safe, affordable and comfortable.

    PLEASE DON'T THANK ME OOO, WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR?
     
  15. Oluomoadebayo

    Oluomoadebayo Moderator Staff Member

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    BREAKING NEWS

    Obama blames Buhari for Clinton's defeat. Says his popular statement that women belonged to kitchen and other room contributed a lot to her woe.
     
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  16. Olaleye Gift Emmanuel

    Olaleye Gift Emmanuel New Member

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    (Meeting a long time female friend)

    ME : How are you dear? It's be a long time. Are you through with school?

    SHE : Yes!

    ME : Wow! Are you through with NYSC.

    SHE : No! I didn't offer that course because it has too many calculations.

    ME : (fainted)
     
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  17. Oluomoadebayo

    Oluomoadebayo Moderator Staff Member

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    Congratulations Nigerians...bag of Rice now #6,500...this what we all have been waiting for. Page 52 (Vanguard newspaper August 2009). I just love reading OLD Newspaper. . Happy Tuesday!!!
     
  18. Oluomoadebayo

    Oluomoadebayo Moderator Staff Member

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    A man 4got to zip up his trouser , so a lady told him politely, sir, ur garage is open. The man gave her a naughty smile as he zips up and asked, Did u see my BLACK RANGE ROVER JEEP parked inside? . The lady smiled back and said no, just one small KEKE-NAPEP with two Flat tyres ------Pls dont laugh alone, send to ur friendz ! ! !
     
  19. Gertn

    Gertn Active Member

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    A student failed JAMB 5 times, One day, She traveled to visit her friend at UNILORIN. she fell sick & was admitted to a hospital there. She later called her MUM & said .......
    GIRL: Hello mum
    MUM: The place is silent, where are u? I'm in UNILORIN
    MUM: Oluwa o se oo.
    GIRL: I was admited
    MUM: Jesu o se oo, Olorun ti doju ti Ogun idile wa tiko fe ki o kawe. ( Laughing & dancing)
    GIRL: Malaria ni.
    MUM: Malaria ni course tiwon fun e? Course gidi ni o, Ki o kawe e daadaa o. kare OMO daadaa.
    MUM: But I would be discharge tomorrow.
    MUM: Olohun o ni je oo, 6years lo ma lo loruko Jesu.
    Please if you are the girl. please what will u do? when you reach home? I need your comment....
     
  20. O.tayo

    O.tayo Active Member

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    Dad asked his son: whenever I beat you how do
    you stop your anger?
    Son replies: I start cleaning the toilet
    Dad asked:
    How does that help you?
    Son: I clean it with your
    tooth brush.

    Copied
     
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